Tempest

EPUB EBook by William Shakespeare

EBook Description

The Tempest, abridged. Tempest EPUB EBook
*or maybe not so abridged. But in my defense, this play is really fucking complicated*

MIRANDA: So, um, Daddy, did you notice that huge- EPUBass storm that just crashed a ship on the shore of our previously deserted island?
PROSPERO: Wow, is it exposition time already? Okay, kiddo, listen up: I used to be the duke of Milan, but then my asshole brother and the King of Naples put you and me on a boat and we ended up here on Wherever-The-Hell-Island, but luckily it's full of spirits who apparently didn't have anything better to do, so I made them crash the boat, which holds my brother, the king, his son, and some other guys. Now I will exact my revenge...somehow.
MIRANDA: *is asleep*
PROSPERO: Works every time. Hey, Ariel!
ARIEL: Hi, great and noble master! Am I allowed to stop being your magical slave yet? I mean, twelve years of service...
PROSPERO: Don't be silly. So did you separate all the wreck survivors like I told you?
ARIEL: Yep! So, seriously, you said you were going to free me like five years ago...
PROSPERO: Cool. Go torment Caliban for a while, wouldja?
CALIBAN: GAAARRRFNARGLERAAAHSYCORAX *teethgnash*
*hey, let's see what everyone else is doing! And good luck keeping track of who's who!*
FERDINAND: Hey, I'm the king's son, and you're fucking hot.
MIRANDA: Thanks! And since the only two men I've ever seen are my dad and a deformed monster, I can only assume that you are also hot.
FERDINAND: We should totally get married. Only if you're a virgin, though.
MIRANDA: What's that?
FERDINAND: Oh man, I hit the fucking jackpot.
ANTONIO: So, we should probably kill the king now.
SEBASTIAN: Sure thing.
ARIEL: *MAGICSMASH!* Bibbity bobbity boo! Scared shitless now are you!
TRINCULO: Hey everbody, I'm tanked out of my mind, and therefore hilarious.
STEPHANO: Me too! Oh, what silly hijinks we will get up to!
CALIBAN: Glorious foreigners! Help me overthrow my cruel imperialist master, I beg of you!
STEPHANO: Wait, I don't get it. One minute you're gross and creepy, and then you get all eloquent and sympathetic.
TRINCULO: Yeah, are you supposed to represent Shakespeare's approval or disapproval of colonization?
CALIBAN: NO TIME FOR ANALYSIS THE FAIRIES ARE PINCHING ME AGAIN.
*they attempt a takeover. Thanks to Ariel,it fails. Hilariously.*
PROSPERO: So, I guess everything turned out okay! Now to ceremoniously discard my magic staff and book, in a gesture that will cause endless debate in the future over whether this represents Shakespeare's withdrawal from the playwrighting world!
HISTORIANS AND ENGLISH MAJORS: GAAAAAH WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?
SHAKESPEARE: Hey, I had to take time off for my hobbies. All those personal papers and concrete proof that I existed aren't gonna burn themselves, you know.
HISTORIANS AND ENGLISH MAJORS: *facedesk*
THE END.

Read for: Perspectives on Literature Like this book? Read online this: Caliban's Shore, The Tempest.

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