Le Conte d'hiver
EPUB EBook by William Shakespeare
EBook DescriptionI decided not to do an abridged version of this play because, frankly, it's already so ridiculous that I can't improve on it. Le Conte d'hiver EPUB EBook Instead, we here at Madeline Reviews Inc present a fictionalized account of an event that probably occured right before the writing of this (thankfully) little- EPUBknown play. Enjoy:
SCENE: a tavern in Renaissance London. CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE and BEN JONSON are sitting at the bar, already several ales into the morning. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE enters, falls down, and then gets up and stumbles to the bar.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Guys, I just got the best idea EVER for a play.
CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE: That’s great Bill...hang on, why are your eyes so red? Jesus, have you been at the opium den AGAIN?
BEN JONSON: Seriously dude, twice a day is plenty.
SHAKESPEARE: SHUT UP AND LISTEN. Okay, so there’s this king, right, and he thinks his wife is cheating on him, but she’s really not, but he doesn’t know that, so he puts her on trial and she dies – I’m not sure how yet, I’ll work it out later -and then...
MARLOWE: Um, Bill, I think you already did that one.
SHAKESPEARE: No, this one is DIFFERENT, because it’s a million times cooler. Anyway, there’s gonna be a witch -
JONSON: Did that already, too
SHAKESPEARE: - and siblings getting separated -
MARLOWE: Several times.
SHAKESPEARE: - and then there’s gonna be a bear attack, and then at the end, a statue COMES TO LIFE.
*long, awkward silence*
MARLOWE: Well, that sounds...different.
JONSON: Bill, I gotta be honest, I don’t think people are gonna go for this one.Why don’t you just write another history play?
SHAKESPEARE: Oh yeah, like I’m going to take writing advice from YOU, Jonson.
MARLOWE: Oh god, here he goes.
SHAKESPEARE: Honestly, you call yourself a writer? Don't make me laugh, kid. I invented the word “eyeball”, did you know that? Eyeball. What the fuck have YOU done?
MARLOWE: Listen, Bill, he just meant that...
SHAKESPEARE: And YOU! Thinking you’re so great just because you wrote some play about a guy who summons the devil – which was totally my idea first! “Was this the face that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers of Illium.”*spits on the ground*Great line, genius. Like anyone’s even going to remember that piece of shit ten years from now.
JONSON: William, cut it out. You’re going to get us kicked out, AGAIN.
SHAKESPEARE: He’s a spy, you know. He works for the fucking MAN. NARC!
MARLOWE: God damn it, Bill, keep your mouth shut. Do you want me to get stabbed to death?
SHAKESPEARE: Ah, fuck you all. I’m going to be more famous than either of you, just wait and see!
JONSON: Not the way you’re going. I bet in a hundred years people won’t even be sure if you actually ever EXISTED.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, go to hell, Jonson. *falls down*
MARLOWE: Come on, let’s get him to the doctor. A few leeches should cure what ails him.
SHAKESPEARE: Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time I nailed Viola de Lesseps?
JONSON: You’re so full of shit, dude.
ps: just fyi, in case anyone tries to show off how smart they are and points out that Marlowe wasn't alive when Shakespeare wrote The Winter's Tale, I will seriously slap you. Over the INTERNET.
Like this book? Read online this: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged) [Revised], Conte Démoniaque.
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